Tried My Hand At the Bible, Tried My Hand at the Prayer...

The apocalypse; I've been hearing about it since I was small. In the Christian tradition, the word apocalypse refers to the Book of Revelations, the last book of the Bible. Every time I hear the word 'apocalypse', I think 'violent end of the world', like God is going to come down on horses of death, causing the sky to rain fire and the earth to start burning from the inside out. In fact, when I was very little and at a neighboring girls house, her mother sat me down and told me just what would happen to me when the world came to an end. Needless to say, I ended up running to my friends room is tears. Hey, I was small. In my previous blog I mentioned that I have given up the virtuous life is Sunday school to explore other options, like nintendo and literature outside the realm of the Bible. This woman was telling me that not only was that a sin and I would ultimately be punished for not going to church, but that when God came down, I would not be among those saved from his wrath. Instead, I would be the one to burn up and never get to know the place she so lovingly referred to as Heaven. I really, literally, thought I was screwed.

Usually, when I'm afraid of something or don't agree with it, I start to study it so I know just what I'm up against. Well, I definitely tried. I decided to go with the same woman's daughters to church camp that year and get myself back into the life of the virtuous. I didn't want to be a sinner and I definitely did not want to end up one of the sorry souls left to wander the earth while everyone else was scooped up in God's arms of love and taken to Heaven. Church camp proved to be even more horrifying than spending time with the Mother. I had never been exposed to 'speaking in tongues', and what I thought was evening mass turned into a circus for me. Everyone around me started raising their hands to the sky while a girl in front of us started speaking complete jibberish and then fell backward when the pastor touched her forehead with his fingertips. The girl fell on the floor and started shaking and convulsing back and forth and everyone jumped to their feet, waving their hands form side to side. I was the only one to stay seated in the entire room and remained that way, absolutely horrified. One of our group counselors took me aside later that night and asked me if I wanted to give my heart over to the Lord. At this point, I wasn't sure. I wanted to secure a spot in Heaven away from the burning damned left on Earth, but I also did not want to be part of the possessed. Speaking in tongues was just not for me. I left camp early that year and never looked back.

For much of my life I have ignored the word 'apocalypse' and the phrase 'coming of the Lord' because I just haven't wanted to think about it. I especially didn't want to think about it after I entered college, because I knew my homosexual tendencies for sure secured my place as one of the burnt and banished. I should have done a bit more research on the subject. Now I know that 'apocolypse' does not mean 'violent end of the world'. Rather, it means to 'take away the veil', so see the world as it really is beyond our own realm of sight and perception. The apocolypse does not refer to the end of the world, but to the end of an age. My fears about being impure and unclean and going to hell because of it are reflected in this song by Grace Potter and the Nocturnals (one of my favorites, also):

NOTHING BUT THE WATER II BY GRACE POTTER AND THE NOCTURNALS

I have tried to find my way, to make it through to a better day
I have cried a mighty song, but in the morning everything was gone
So come on water sweet water, wash me down
So come on water sweet water, wash me down

I have tried so many times to put out the devils fire
But every time I sit down to pray, the devils charm pulls me away
So come on water sweet water, wash me down
So come on water sweet water, wash me down

Up in heaven, they know the rule, you've got to get down to the bathing pool
Everybody, you've got to get in line
Down at the river, we're doing fine with the water sweet water, wash me down
Come on water sweet water, wash me down

Now I'm ready and it's my time and if I give a nickel, I might get a dime
Only the water can help me now
I'll find glory somewhere, somehow with the water sweet water, wash me down
Come on water sweet water, wash me down

Tried my hand at the bible, tried my hand at the prayer, but now nothing but the water is gonna bring my soul to bare.
Tried my hand at the bible, tried my hand at the prayer, but now nothing but the water is gonna bring my soul to bare.
Tried my hand at the bible, tried my hand at the prayer, but now nothing but the water is gonna bring my soul to bare...

I think my soul can rest easier now when I hear words like 'apocalypse' and 'the coming of the Lord', as I don't really associate them anymore with something so terrible as burning up in flames or being a soul trapped to wander a burning earth for the rest of my days.